Family - a nebulous balance of priorities.. A late evening conversation...

"Bala, I am at a loss on what to do. I have tried every trick in the book. I have openly criticized him, spoken embarrassingly in front of his peers, Made it known that he is becoming a burden on me; reduced internet options to send out feelers to him - nothing seems to work. My son is 21, and he continues to remain with my Wife and me under the same roof...."

Jake (name changed) is a top IT decision maker in one of the largest airlines in the world. He had invited me out for dinner ; and we sitting in this posh Mediterranean restaurant with liveried bearers floating around, cutleries gleaming with silver and polish, and soft lilting tunes from Arabic percussion instruments were wafting through the air. A gorgeous looking middle eastern waitress had just placed a platter of Kebab's on our table and bowed away noiselessly for us to continue this conversation. Jake was talking about quality of professional and personal life in IT industry; and that is when he drifted to talking about family.. He continued...

" At eighteen, he moved out to live with a few friends. I was the happiest man in the world, but then I had this sneaking premonition that he would come back to us. Every other day, I would see him at our kitchen table, with my wife cooking his favorite dishes. And then , six months ago - he actually moved back. I was terribly annoyed, but had to honor my wife's decision. Bala. Don't mistake me here. I love my boy. I have put him in private schools throughout his life, willing to pay for Grad as well; And I did. But he has never shown any responsibility whatsoever. He chickened out of college in a couple of years, and started working in way side restaurants to make money. In a span of two years, he has hopped six girl friends, and while at home he is so disorganized, plays music at full blast and generally gets on my nerve. I got to have a serious chat with him very soon. Otherwise , I have this quaint feeling that My wife and me are going to be stuck with him for life - managing him. I have spent Three and half decades getting to where I am today, and I am looking forward to a retirement in the next few years to reap the efforts of my labor with my wife. We have plans, but right now, this chap is a thorn in the bush.

My girl on the other hand is the very opposite of him. She was always a brilliant honors student, graduated from MIT, moved out to San Jose with her boy friend. making a lot of money; and does not want to visit us at all. I wonder what have we done wrong with her. Its been three years, and all that we occasionally get is a phone call for thanksgiving, Christmas or Mother's day. She was the apple of my eye. But somehow I feel, that she wants to keep her distance from us. Not that she has any grievances against us, but when she moved out, I got this feeling that she had been waiting for this day all her life. You know, what, I am at least glad that she is doing well and support herself well without us.. That is a great consolation...."

He stopped talking. By this time, we were well into our main course; dipping into juicy Chicken breast and a side of roasted zucchini. I pitched in " Jake, One of the things that I admire and respect in western society is the clear lines that are drawn within a family over a period of years. It is boon and a curse. A boon, in the sense that an individual is never bogged down with the act of rearing and sustenance for a life time; and a curse, because it is a difficult line to draw in human interactions and often leads to psychological difficulties.. In India, at least in the past, Instructions were clear. The bond between Parents and children are for a life time, not in a general way, but each one being there for the other every step of the way. It was reinforced repeatedly through religious injunctions, mythology and cultural doctrination. In a way it was good, because there was no choice. But the moment, we start valuing our independence as something vitally important, then it is becomes an enormously difficult decision; and it must be taken without any emotional underpinnings to it. This is the struggle between Western and eastern societies. The tremendous progress of the West is because of this process of individuation that was achieved within a family; but what was sacrificed in the process is inner psychological stability and peace. The East always held on to the ideal of living in groups, and hence they are more centered and peaceful and to that extent lackadaisical in their individual drive and progress. The biggest problem we face today in our shrinking global village is the cross fertilization of both these ideas; and right now, there is great flux happening in India as well. Joint families are breaking up, nuclear families are beset with adjustment issues.
You know Jake, one would never have any parent In India express their feeling about their children as bluntly as you did. It would be considered blasphemous and immoral (I chuckled, and so did he!!), but it is the true maturity of Western democracy that you can take a impartial view of your closest ties and talk about with such frankness. This is the triumph of Jungian Philosophy - allowing the present to take off from the past , not cling to it... I think your son will move on, and your daughter will keep doing well. Meanwhile Jake, you will have a ball of a future.

He laughed : " Yaps, I am sure of that, I will not allow anything to come in between Me and my plans. Cheers Bala!!

God bless...