An interesting personal conversation - the alchemy of de-addiction

An interesting personal conversation...

Martin is studying to be a psychologist - specializing in addiction. A young man: tall, handsome, with light blue eyes and well maintained physique; I keep bumping into him oftentimes in the Sauna. He normally comes in with his friends for a vigorous workout, and then walks into the hot room alone for a fitting finale to a tiring regime of weights and exercises. Our acquaintance gradually has grown from mere greetings to a slightly more firm ground; and today both of us were alone in the sauna at 7.30 P.M, and we started talking. Soon enough, we realized that we were ravenously hungry; and after a quick shower headed to a nearby café for dinner. Night was setting in, and the intense heat and humidity of the day was now giving way to a faint cool breeze. It was heavenly after a tiring workout to feel the cool air on one's skin. We ordered dinner, and Martin started this conversation:

“Hey Bala, Don’t mind me asking you this. I remember months ago, you mentioning to someone that you had an alcohol addiction problem; and now you are were out of it completely. If it is not personal and troubling, could you talk to me a little about your experience and how you got out of this? I am recovering alcoholic myself. It’s been a year now. My father was a big time drug abuser, and I guess we had a family history of neurotic and obsessive behavior. One of the reasons, I picked “addiction” as my specialization is that I am fascinated by it, and also I am trying to get to grips with my own problem. So…”

Frankly, I have no qualms talking about it at all. Though in all these years, I have never spoken or written about it. Martins’ question did not disturb me in the least. But what I had to say to him may not be what he expected as an answer from me. Here is my reply paraphrased:

“Martin, to say that I have gotten over alcohol addiction may not be the right way to put it. It would be more appropriate to say that I was made free of it by miraculous grace. When I was in the hospital years ago, recovering from alcohol, I still remember a distinct moment in the middle of a night when it stuck with penetrating clarity, an existential fact – so to speak - that this is simply not working for me. And in that insightful moment when this realization hit me with full force, like a fire burning my skin - I felt as though something deep and ingrained in my psyche wrenched itself from its seat and disappear. There was tremendous feeling of lightness internally. It was not that I was repulsed by the idea of what I had made myself to be, and feeling guilty or bad about it… No!! But what happened in that moment was paradigm shift in the way I looked at myself and the world around me, and there was indescribable happiness in my frail body. If you want to call it a spiritual experience, then so be it; but to me it was just a catastrophic (in the right sense of the word) event. And since then, everything changed: I can walk into a bar, be at a place where everyone around is drinking, I can pour drinks, talk intelligently about various aspects of liquor with an eye of a connoisseur – but it does not touch my inner core even peripherally. And in a strange way Martin, coming out this “addiction” has transformed my life. Perhaps, have been so very close to boundary between life and death; and then returned – has given me a perspective that not many can see. In one of the finest spiritual messages that has come out of Indian soil -“Bhagavad gita”, there is a verse that describes a happy, peaceful man as one who lives like a “lotus in water” (padma-patram ivambhasa). I think Martin - that should be touch stone for any de-addiction program. What it means is that “be in the world, but internally be a little out of it”. Any de-tox program that believes in repressing addictive tendencies, or staying away from distracting influences will not work in long run. The reason we have so many relapses is because we don’t address the root. And the root lies in the “experience” or “realization” - (these words are clichéd and really don’t convey what I mean by them) that none of these props are required to live a fulfilling life. And that can be truly liberating.

“Having said all this, I must add that my immediate family, especially my Mother played a very crucial role in my recovery. I was a physical wreck, and if not for her unconditional love, care and trust (as only a mother can give), I am not sure if my realization would have found any fruition. So Martin that’s another important element in an effective de-addiction program - support from few key people”

Throughout this monologue Martin did not utter a word. He was listening intently to what I was saying.., When I finished “Extraordinary Bala, What you said makes sense. As an intern, I observe the biggest challenge in addiction is to make an individual realize existentially, not intellectually through reasoning - that their life choice is not helping them achieve their life potential in any way. And you are right, there is an element of grace, luck or miracle in all of this. That’s why some come out of it, some don’t… In fact, what I am beginning to understand is that pure clinical science may only get us that far, beyond it an appeal should be made to life forces beyond our comprehension. I am an atheist Bala, but even at my age I am seeing what you have been trying to suggest… Thanks Buddy…

It was dark, silent and roads were almost empty. Martin offered to drop me back at home. I preferred to walk though. Nothing like a solitary walk alone with starry skies above…

God bless…

Yours in mortality,

Bala