Jottings on 21st December 2015

The best way to study something is to look at its extreme manifestations, isolating it from what is considered normal flow and then subjecting it to intense scrutiny. All sciences, in a way, develop in this manner. Experiments are conducted in well defined boundaries or frames of reference, and results derived are generalized to suit hypotheses and propositions. And nothing bends itself to this kind of study more than that of human behavior and nature of the mind. Almost our entire knowledge and experience in Psychology and psychiatry are derived from human beings who have displayed extremities of behavior. Almost everything that sciences have known about Human mind comes from observing compulsive abnormalities than normal ones. The writings of Freud, Jung, Adler - fathers of this kind of study- abound in case studies of individuals who came to them with distinctively extreme behavior. It may be sexual, neurotic, schizophrenic, stress or all the rest of it. It based on such individuals that we have today what we call as an 'understanding of Human brain or mind"

The above para is a preamble to a kind of behavior that I find extremely fascinating : which is - the tendency of always having to prove ones point, or unable to confess ignorance during a conversation. Watch three or more educated individuals talking as a group. Chances are very likely that very quickly such a conversation will turn into each one proving that they have either gone through similar experiences, or a much better one, or trying to outplay others in the group by dismissing the whole topic as nonsensical not worthy of their attention, or plain "one-upmanship" . Nobody listens. The wait time available when somebody is doing the talking is only used by us to think of something to say when the other person has finished talking. Soon, there is cacophony of thoughts and noises which ends with the group departing and no meaningful objective achieved.

I have a friend, an elderly man in his fifties who runs his own private business. An Italian by birth and upbringing, his family has been in the US for a couple of generations. Very loquacious, jumpy and hot blooded; he would step into any conversation he would find himself in, and on any topic. If I told him that I was in San Francisco last week on work, he would immediately pitch in " hey Bala, Bay area.. Wonderful place. I used to own a boat in Sausalito area......", or when we spoke about a book or a poem, he would jump in "Bala, I was a literature major and published poet....". If we spoke about war in Afghanistan, he would talk about his status as war veteran. In other words, he needed to be seen as a man who "knew" everything about anything. His urgency to respond is so compulsive that it prevents him for being welcome into any dialogue. In fact, people tend to stop talking when he walks in, and slowly slip away from his zone, lest they be subject to intense narcissistic talk.

Narcissism is common enough among people. Every one is to an extent narcissistic. We love to be the center of attention and attraction. Sometimes deservingly so. Especially, in one's professional life, we need to be acknowledged for what we do or don't do, and sometimes the only way to get that attention is to speak about it. But when it becomes an inveterate obsession in every context, then things start becoming very unpleasant for others. Mike is an extreme case of this behavior. He is a great person, but only if one understands that his intrusive behavior is reflective of certain deep seated insecurity on not having lived up to his potential, or squandered it away in frivolous pursuits. And now when Middle age is crossing over to the other side, his need for recognition and empathy is becoming all the more stronger and intense. Yesterday, I took him out for dinner at a nearby Indian restaurant. During the course of our meal, I told Mike" Can you for once listen without responding with an anecdote from your life... . He was taken aback a little.. I continued " Mike you are a great person. I like for what you are without your needing to justify anything to me. And there is nothing wrong in not Knowing something.. If you can but listen into a conversation and not try to usurp it all the time, you will find more peace within yourself, not to mention other things.." He was silent for a while, then burst out laughing " Bala, nobody has spoke to me like this before. hahahaha! you are right buddy. I should learn to keep quiet and not keep beating my drum all the time. I know I am narcissistic Hahahaha"

Well that's Mike for you....

God bless..

Yours in mortality,

Bala