Musings on a lovely Spring evening ...

A Beautiful Spring day in Atlanta yesterday. I took a long walk ; and on my way back, I stepped into my favorite restaurant in Dunwoody for a bite of dinner. I normally prefer sitting at the bar (though, I don't drink anymore!!), because it gives me an opportunity to meet my old friends , and secondly the bar is the least snobbish place to sit and hit an easy conversation with fellow human beings.. It was quite a busy night, and there was a long queue waiting to be seated . I quickly wound my way to my customary corner seat, which strangely enough never gets occupied ,only to find an old friend sitting next to me. I am meeting him after many months. He is a Stocky American in his early fifties, casually dressed with gentle blue eyes that always seem to have a pleading look in them. He works as a senior account manager in a retail chain in Atlanta. An inveterate wine drinker ; he was now holding a glass of red wine and lost in thought when my greeting woke him up from his reverie.

The thing about him is that he is gay, He has told me this in the early days of our acquaintance ; and I have at various times over the years seen him in the company of different men in the bar . In our conversations, he always seemed to be disturbed that his partners always left him for more satisfying relationships. For some reason, right from the beginning, he was very plain with me about his sexual preferences and the untold psychological discomfort these brief relationships bought him . As an educated and articulate man, both him and I have good mature conversations about this in the past. Yesterday though, he really seemed to be in the dumps. After the usual pleasantries , he broke out " Bala, I want a change from this messy life that I am leading. I know it in my heart that every relationship that I get into will leave me in pain, but I simply cannot bring myself to change. Each day, I find my energies are sapped away dealing with issues that I shouldn't' be. As you know, I am doing very well professionally : able to overcome any problems with style and finesse, but I am not able to bring the same quality of attention to my inner and social life". I listened to his tirade patiently and then asked him " Hey, Do you "really" want to change??", Are you serious and earnest about it?. I personally feel that you are merely dabbling with the issue and don't have the energy or courage, If I may so. to go into it deeply into it. You are hurt, frustrated and yet you are still hopping from one relationship to an other without understanding why? That's strange!!. You know what , I really believe that you are very happy doing what you are doing and deep in your heart you wish that this continues. forever.." .

My slightly vehement reply halted his drinking mid way ;and he put his glass down on the table. He covered his face for some time and then turned and looked with me with a wry smile . "You know what, I am glad you talked to me like that. I was expecting you to sympathize with me, but you threw the ball back in my court. True, I verbally have wanted to change, but I guess never have I really been serious about it. I have always been like a man , who after a drinking binge would swear that this would his last ever drink ; only to return to it the very next day with renewed interest - A habitual response..."

He left shortly after that and I finished my dinner as well. As I walked back home, the thought stuck me that this core predicament of my friend is almost universal. All of us want stability, peace of mind, life without problems and all of that spin. But then we are never really serious. Even "God" is just a past time with most of us. We ideally want everything around us to fall snugly into place for our perpetual pleasure; and not question the "self" that wants these changes. WE talk vociferously about hatred, wars, jealousies, equality, freedom - and all those big , high sounding words ; but deep down we want nothing to change. Our enquiries are always superficial. To be free of something, one must understand what is that which needs to be free, and do we really, seriously, earnestly want to be free at all?. Ninety nine out of hundred times, a truthful answer to this question would be a -"NO" . And therein lies the root problem...

God bless....

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